The 8 week old puppy clawed and whined at the cage door.  Nancy rolled over the sleeping child, clambered out of the bottom bunk, and freed the prisoner.  She sighed heavily as she carried the little guy downstairs and outside.  Ned must be bipolar-cycling again, she thought, why on earth would he bring home a puppy?  Nancy glanced at the kitchen wall clock.  Midnight. She sighed again. Louder. Nancy recalled the time Ned brought a stray home from the trail after a run.  He was a darling beagle puppy.  They wanted to keep him.  That is, until around late evening when the darling beagle had worms start dropping out of his butt.  A midnight run to the local humane society sealed that pups fate.  Maybe this time it would be different?  The puppy started to whine again.  In Nancy’s sleep deprived state, she wondered if she could breastfeed the little thing?  That was how she had survived their five children.  Nancy was not one to miss out on her sleep. She sighed again, wrapped a blanket around the puppy to catch any possible butt crawling worms, and snuggled her way back into the bunk bed. Puppy and Nancy soon drifted off to sleep.

Nancy Drew Nickerson lowered her head and diverted her eyes.  The orthodontist’s crispy white shiny toothy grin came at her with rapid fire statistics while his intense gaze never left her mouth. It was of vital importance that she and Ned immediately seek orthodontic treatment for the health of their middle child’s teeth.  At any moment, an undescended adult tooth could become permanently embedded into the temporomandibular thus necessitating the need for risky surgeon removal.  Nancy nodded back, keeping her lips firmly pressed together.  His keen attempt to stare directly into her own mouth was making her very uncomfortable. All it took was “Your daughter must have your husband’s jaw structure. I can tell…” Nancy did not wait for him to finish the sentence.  She picked up her purse, scooted her middle child into the hallway, and thanked him as she vigorously began wiping her nose, to remove the man’s focus from her teeth. Ned is not going to like this, thought Nancy.  That man has undressed my teeth with his eyes.  She shuddered at the violation and nervously rubbed non-existent lipstick from her front teeth.  It was so hard to find good ortho care for kids these days.

Nancy Drew Nickerson took a deep breath.  She had prayed for this moment.  Cried, pleaded, begged, and bribed for this day. She did not think it would ever happen.  In fact, she and Ned were convinced Evil Baby had something wrong with her.  Decades ago, when Nancy doula-assisted-natural-child-birthed her oldest, she had an idealized view of parenthood and raising her lovely babies.  She had a long list of “nevers” for her precious offspring.  “My baby will never eat ranch dressing. My baby will never smother her food in ketchup.  My baby will never eat pesticide GMO grown food or eat fast food. My baby will never go to daycare. My baby will never cry.  My baby will never drink formula.  My baby will never play with plastic toys. My baby will never watch t.v.” Of course, that thinking was all so five children ago.  The oldest two boys were privy to that type of raising, but after an 8 year gap followed by three children in four years, Nancy had lowered her standards.  “Please! PLEASE BABY!  Please watch t.v.!!!!  Mommy needs to shower!!!!!!” But Evil Baby would never comply.  She refused to watch television. Until today.  There, on the edge of the family bed, the little bundle of naughtiness sat.  Captivated by the Curious George. Nancy Drew Nickerson felt strongly that the world was about to end.

Nancy glanced over at Evil Baby sitting on the toilet.  Her round face was covered in green marker, complete with moustache. “Ima gonna peeeeee through my undies” she laughed, while peeing through her undies.  At least she’s sitting on the toilet this time, Nancy thought.  Nancy was about to put a close to a very long week of undercover adult work.  She had confiscated the cell phone from her high school son.  Unbeknownst to him, she had been retrieving his text messages all week.  She discovered an upcoming teen party with “handles”.  Nancy asked her coworker chum, Drunk Lisa, what “handles” meant.  Drunk educated Nancy that handles meant bottles of alcohol.  Nancy quickly went to work pretending she was her son and sent additional texts: “when”  with the response “Fri at Adams” Nancy searched the contact listing and discovered two Adams so she texted “which Adam” and got the information she needed.  Nancy contacted the high school principal and police department.  The next day her son’s cell phone received the following text “nvm (translation by Drunk Lisa: ‘Never mind’) party cancelled, some fag turned us in.”  Nancy had come a long way from teen sleuth!  Twenty years later she was officially an undercover fag.  Oh well, thought Nancy, I will take what excitement I can get.  And off she went to clean the urine from the toilet seat.

Nancy Drew lived a lovely high school existence, frolicking across the country, solving mysteries, and loving the exuberance of her youth, beauty, and energy.  Then she grew up. She married Ned and they begat 5 children.  Today, they live a life of chaos and commotion.  Her husband has been recently diagnosed bipolar. The oldest child is in college and in need of new corneas. She suspects their middle son is a closet atheist and alleged pot smoking sophomore in high school; how else to explain his strange behavior?  The next two children are barely 20 months apart and riddled with asthma and food allergies and health issues. Their youngest, well, she simple goes by the name Evil Baby.  As for Nancy, she is now middle aged, overweight, and has a prolapsed bladder.  This is the story of her daily adventures in surviving The Case of the Forlorn Maturity.