Nancy hopped into her 6 year old mini-van.  The left front end was missing from an accident when her husband insisted on driving their 16 year old son to work during a winter storm warning last year. A work shift that the son had been excused from for the weather, but Ned felt the boy should still make a good faith effort to go to the grocery store in the blizzard.  The son made $21.75 during that shift.  The van repair totaled over $1,200.  Nancy refused to cough up that cash to repair it.  She rolled down the windows.  The air conditioner had long since quit working.  This was the seventh straight week of one hundred degree weather.  She refused to fix that $1,500 repair as well. She pushed up the sleeves on her black sweater and off she tooled along the five minute drive home, sweating profusely, front bumper flapping.

Nancy pulled up front to see the green tag marks on her driveway where the city deemed the front apron needed to be replaced.  Price tag: $525.  She drove up to the mailbox as was her custom, hitting the side view car mirror in the process; also her custom.  She opened the bent mailbox door and retrieved her mail.  Ever hopeful for a friendly letter, instead she spied the renewal car taxes for Ned's new truck.  What? she thought, It hasn't been a year yet has it?  $560 due by the end of the month.  She sighed.  This wasn't going to get her down! 

She pulled into the garage and maneuvered her way around nine bicycles, three skateboards, one roller skate, two footballs, four soccer balls, three trash cans, a hammer, a large pine tree branch, and 14 bowls filled with colored sand.  Upon opening the knob less door to her home (the children had pulled it off years ago), Nancy spotted the Evil Puppy digging in the cat litter box.  She shooed him away and got out the broom but the puppy began playing tug o war with the bristles and her purse kept sliding down her arm and DAMN she was hot!  She set down her purse and  took off her black sweater and headed over to the thermostat. 80 degrees.  Three children (her own) and a set of twins (the neighbors) came screaming past her. I HAD IT FIRST YOU ARE BEING MEAN I HATE YOU I HATE YOU YOU HURT ME I AM BLEEDING I AM DYING GIVE IT BACK TO ME WHERE'S MY SNACK I'M HUNGRY I HATE YOU.  Nancy interrupted the chaos and asked where might the father be?  She meandered her way upstairs.  Ned was lying in bed, fan blowing on his half naked body, reading a book about proper Olympic Weight Lifting Forms. Ned assured Nancy that the air conditioner was working properly.  That when children went in and out of a door-knob less house all day in 104 degree heat, the unit had a hard time keeping up in cooling off.

Nancy got naked and put on her yoga pants filled with puppy bite holes and a t-shirt sans a bra.  She headed back to the kitchen.  Nothing. She didn't have the energy to go to the grocery store.  She did have a box of organic CSA vegetables and some leftover whole grain spaghetti and organic sauce.  She chopped up some kale, cucumber, zucchini, and lemon basil.  She added the leftover breadstick dipping sauce from Dominos Pizza last week.  It still didn't amount to much.  She took out the bottle opener and slowly wound it around the Chef Boyardee can of ravioli.  The can opener had broke a  few months ago.  That can of ravioli had sat in utter anticipation, waiting for someone desperate enough to figure out how to open it. After punching several holes she was able to squish the crap from the can.  She put it all in a pan to heat on the stove.  Nancy did not like to use the microwave.  Mostly because the handle was broken off.  And that the insides looked as if someone had exploded a drying cat in there.

Nancy listened to the sounds of the children fighting, saw her unsupervised puppy pee on the floor, and decided to turn over a load of laundry only to find the detergent bottle empty. It wasn't quite what she had fantasized about. Really, she didn't even have a hot tub so why would she want a crystal chandelier? She felt her sweaty boobs rub up against her skin. Tonight could not go by fast enough. Nancy flicked off the stove, threw  some paper towels on the puppy pee, and headed upstairs to put on a bra. She was going out. And by out, she meant the grocery store. Ned would join her and with any luck they could find a parking lot somewhere to practice her flexibility and dirty the seats in his brand new truck.  Life really was good. It was all a matter of perspective. And proper Olympic Lifting Form.

It was late in the day and Nancy Drew Nickerson kicked off her shoes in her soft-walled office.  She looked down and saw the duct tape stuck to the bottom of her cracked heel. She thought about leaving it but then peeled it off and tossed it into the recycle bin.  Nancy was tired. It seems her entire life was spent doing things she really wasn't so keen on doing. Right now that was leaving work and going home to make dinner. Nancy hated cooking.  Women who have five children and a husband should not hate cooking.  She sighed.  What organic mish-mash could she chop up tonight and turn in to a sauce to ladle over pasta du jour? It is really too bad the kids were burned out on Ramen Noodles. Damn teenage babysitting sons feeding the younger siblings those for lunch each and every day. She allowed herself to briefly fantasize about what she would do IF THINGS WERE DIFFERENT.  Nancy would go home to a sunshine sparkling home, smelling of vanilla, Clorox, and curry in the "rich" neighborhood.  She would also be driving anything other than the shark bitten mini-van. Her children would be clean and subdued upon arrival, quietly coloring in bible pages whilst sharing one pack of 24 non-broken crayons.  Ned would be installing a crystal chandelier for her above her hot tub in her private bath. The children would kiss her and go back to their quiet work.  The puppy would bang his tail against the cage door in welcome and then settle down for a long three hour nap.  Nancy would change her clothes, read the mail which included actual letters from real friends, and then sit down and read her latest mystery.  She would get up two hours later when Alice declared dinner ready.  She would affix her tiara and glide down the spiral staircase where Ned would grab her and give her a passionate kiss. Then she would go workout while Alice fed the children. Once the children had the kitchen cleaned and were bathed and  were softly settled in their beds for the evening, she would walk in, perform a bedtime story, and then go off to her marital boudoir where the two love birds could catch up on the day. Sigh. Nancy remembered she broke the electrical cord auto-rewind button off the new vacuum cleaner last night when she banged it into the painted 1970s stair railing.  She grabbed the duct tape piece from her recycle bin.  It ought to work perfect for the repair job.  She never thought to look on her feet when she spent 20 minutes looking for the duct tape last night!  And with that she shoved the wadded up tape into her bra, control-alt-deleted her computer to lock it, and danced off to the shark bitten van in the far end of the hot parking lot. A surge of optimism filled her body and soul This girl had got to go-she had work to do!

Nancy giggled with delight!  This was so much fun she thought.  Ever since she confiscated her 16 year olds cell phone months ago she took delight in reading and often responding to texts from his friends.  Today she caught two of the friends in her driveway and was able to mention to "Bart" how much she enjoyed his inappropriate texts.  This sent the other friend "Barry" into fits of laughter to which Nancy quickly retorted how much she enjoyed Barry's texts, especially regarding his father and all the inappropriate acts the boy boasted to do.  "Barry" immediately ceased his fit and looked at the ground.  Nancy and Ned hopped in the car and took off while she continued to giggle.  Ned chastised her.  "I don't suppose you remember what it was like to be a teenage boy.  I can guarantee you that you have not stopped them from their texting behavior but you can be assured they will never look you in the eye again!"  Nancy sighed.  She did not remember what it was like to be a teenage boy.  But she did enjoy the satisfaction of having one over on them. Even if it meant humiliation and public embarrassment.  She was ok with that.

Nancy Drew Nickerson banged her head against the steering wheel. No no no no no no no no NOOOOOO she screamed quietly in her head.  Her seatbelt was tangled.  This was the final straw.  Nancy's van already sported a broken front bumper and no air conditioning.  She whipped out her cell and texted her two oldest sons. WHO TANGLED THE DRIVERS SEATBELT?????!?!??!?!?!!! Within seconds, in succinct succession came the responses: Not Me. Not me. Nancy wept quietly. Or maybe that was sweat and not tears running down her face; it was 104 degrees after all.  She turned on the engine and began her long drive to pick up the other three children from swimming, tennis, and loom-weaving lessons. All the while listening to the ding ding ding of the charming alarm reminding her of the dangerous risk in not wearing a seatbelt.

Nancy Drew Nickerson walked into her kitchen in the early dawn of the morning to let the Evil Puppy outside.  There, sitting on her clean counter, was a crusty food embedded bowl from her wedding set. "AAAAAGGGGH!" she screamed silently in her head.  "WHO DOES THIS?  WHO DOES THIS???"  She grabbed the half-dried black crayola marker from the dog food bowl, ripped off a Scott's brand paper towel, and scribbled: WHO DOESN'T RINSE THEIR DISH???? and with that, she threw the pup in the kennel, and  went back to bed. Upon rising one hour and 53 minutes later to barking, she ventured into the kitchen.  There, on the Scott's brand paper towel, spelled out neatly in broken stick pretzels was two words: Not Me. 

The 8 week old puppy clawed and whined at the cage door.  Nancy rolled over the sleeping child, clambered out of the bottom bunk, and freed the prisoner.  She sighed heavily as she carried the little guy downstairs and outside.  Ned must be bipolar-cycling again, she thought, why on earth would he bring home a puppy?  Nancy glanced at the kitchen wall clock.  Midnight. She sighed again. Louder. Nancy recalled the time Ned brought a stray home from the trail after a run.  He was a darling beagle puppy.  They wanted to keep him.  That is, until around late evening when the darling beagle had worms start dropping out of his butt.  A midnight run to the local humane society sealed that pups fate.  Maybe this time it would be different?  The puppy started to whine again.  In Nancy’s sleep deprived state, she wondered if she could breastfeed the little thing?  That was how she had survived their five children.  Nancy was not one to miss out on her sleep. She sighed again, wrapped a blanket around the puppy to catch any possible butt crawling worms, and snuggled her way back into the bunk bed. Puppy and Nancy soon drifted off to sleep.

Nancy Drew Nickerson lowered her head and diverted her eyes.  The orthodontist’s crispy white shiny toothy grin came at her with rapid fire statistics while his intense gaze never left her mouth. It was of vital importance that she and Ned immediately seek orthodontic treatment for the health of their middle child’s teeth.  At any moment, an undescended adult tooth could become permanently embedded into the temporomandibular thus necessitating the need for risky surgeon removal.  Nancy nodded back, keeping her lips firmly pressed together.  His keen attempt to stare directly into her own mouth was making her very uncomfortable. All it took was “Your daughter must have your husband’s jaw structure. I can tell…” Nancy did not wait for him to finish the sentence.  She picked up her purse, scooted her middle child into the hallway, and thanked him as she vigorously began wiping her nose, to remove the man’s focus from her teeth. Ned is not going to like this, thought Nancy.  That man has undressed my teeth with his eyes.  She shuddered at the violation and nervously rubbed non-existent lipstick from her front teeth.  It was so hard to find good ortho care for kids these days.